The best of Michael Scott

This hub may not be everyone's cup of tea! So if you haven't seen the office, I wouldn't recommend reading it, you probably won't understand the humor. But do feel free :)

Michael Scott is my hero. For those who have watched the office, I know you would agree that he is very, very funny, in his own goofy way. In some ways I would say he is like a tick, that slowly but surely burrows his way under your skin and into your life. I certainly would not feel complete with my weekly dose of Him!

Although I do I think maybe my respect and love for him comes from his overuse of the phrase "That's what she said!" which never fails to amuse me.

He claims to want a simple life, just to be the best boss he can be, have a loving wife and doting children. (He also happens to want to be a very successful movie star, and even wrote and starred in his own movie, but i'll get to that later.) So I'm going to give you a few sayings from Michael Scott, hopefully they will inspire you like he hopes they would. But lets be honest... he is simply a fool.

• Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
• Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
• Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
• I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike.
• Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
• An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?.... I really can't say, but yes.
• I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise and have worms.
• A boss's salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. It- for example, every year I get a one hundred dollar gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.
• Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
• Did you know that gay used to mean 'happy?' When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now, it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homo's. Homo sapiens.
• A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher, like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students. And then like 12 other kids came forward.. it was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

This has to be the ultimate inspiring quote that Michael Scott could possibly think of, prepare to be blown away!

''My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.''

I think Michael has dysfunctional relationships with everyone in the office, He would probably say one of his weaknesses would be that he cares to much, and I would certainly agree he really gets too emotionally attached to some of his employees, and he really overestimates his importance in their lives, but he loves them regardless of the fact that they are all often victims of his jokes. And i'm sure they love him in their own way, because you just can't help it :)

However, there is one person that Michael has serious beef with, and that's Toby, the human resources manager. Michael believes that Toby's main goal in life is to ruin any fun Michael tries to have in the office because he has follow safety regulations and other various rules. I feel a bit sorry for Toby, especially cause he always looks really hurt when Michael bully's him. (I still laugh of course, at how ridiculous it is)

Anyways, here's some funny quotes of Michael victimizing Toby :)

"Toby has been leaving radon test kits everywhere like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away I thought it was an ant trap. But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with this creepy little disc. The second time, I thought it was one of those, you know, the things you turn over and it moo's like a cow thing but upon closer examination it was another ant trap so I threw it away. And the third time, I did it out of spite."

"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry."

"I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York, and if Toby's a part of it, then it'll suck."

"Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family."

"Everyone, guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy too... Sort of."

"If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known."

Michael may hate Toby, but he has a sort of strange man crush on Ryan. Well more of an obsession with him, despite how blatant it is that Ryan has no respect for him and doesn't overly like him, it's funny anyway. For example he even grew a goatee when he bumped into Ryan and saw that he had one, then when Ryan shaved his off so did Michael. So here's some Michael quotes regarding Ryan :)

"The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here... no idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam is a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably like a two, but sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the Joker."

"Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this tinkle in his eye, that I picked up on, which said, 'Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me, and you trust me and we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man, and I love you... His words."

(Discussing with Jim etc in the office what guy they would sleep with)

Michael Scott- "Jim, you're next. Who would you do?"

Jim Halpert- "Ummm... Kevin, hands down. Yeah, he's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards we could, just watch bowling."

Michael Scott- "Well I'd definitely have sex with Ryan."

(In court with Jan, after they split up)

Lawyer- "Mr. Scott, who's this other woman, Ryan. Who you refer to here as, 'just as hot as Jan but in a different way.'"

Michael Scott- "Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend."

Michael has never had the best luck in love, hes been through some pretty strange relationships, from the one with Jan were she dominated everything, and made him sleep at the bottom of the bed, to being a mistress, then to sleeping with Pam's mother. Eventually though, Holly came into the office in replacement of Toby, And turns out despite Michael being very prejudice against HR reps, they were perfect for each other :)

Here's some quotes to do with Michael's relationships that I deemed funny enough to be on this

''It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third person walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone.''

''Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. 'Little Kid Lover.' That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.''

"What is it like being single? I like it! I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because everyday I get a little more desperate. And desperate situations yield the quickest results."

"Jan told me to play it cool, and not tell anybody, because it could get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."

"Hi, Jan. It's Michael. I just, um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. And if there's any details you need to fill me in on like, what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I will see you tomorrow morning. I'm going to be... kind of a daddy."

"The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you. And I am not robbing the cradle. If anything, I am robbing the grave..."

"Finish your cake, Helene. I want you to enjoy that cake. Because I have something terrible I need to tell you. And I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing."

"Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break... permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you."

"In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where.. you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure."

"Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart."

"Thanks to Toby I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like ET. Is Holly our extra-terrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet."

Michael Scott- "What um, what do you think of role play?"

Phyllis-"It can be fun."

Michael Scott-"Yeah? Well, Jan has this school girl fantasy."

Phyllis-"That's a pretty common one."

Michael Scott- "I just, I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."

Other humorous shenanigans of Michael Scott in the work place are as follows! (# = start of new conversation)

• "Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment, this is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R-rated. It is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw, and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but still."
• "Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No. Because we are the three amigos. And once in a while, one of the amigos will go off, to the bathroom, while the other two have a secret meeting."

• "Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth. But, uhh, kids are very weary of being lured, these days. Thank you Dateline."
• "Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company... was a huge mistake. I should leave, I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em."

• "Jim Halpert. Pros. Smart, cool, good looking. Remind you of anyone you know? Cons. Not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project and he can finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something."

• "The shards of glass could've shaved her face off. And yes, it might've been funny. But it would also have been incredibly tragic."

• "Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F's, Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another; we brought them back to the hotel and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome!"

• Was tonight a success? Well, I made Pam laugh so hard she fell down and almost broke her neck. So I killed, sort of.
• I want you listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you. And I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients. And then I am going to kill them in front of you.

• You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what my wishes never come true. So I'm not going to wish that on her. I... a watch would be nice.
• "I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt--although she just blocked me on IM. What's her face, from Quizno's? I see her four times a week."

#Jim Halpert: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."

Michael Scott: "Mmm-well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim?"

Jim Halpert: "I am."

#Ryan- "Did this happen on company property?"

Michael Scott- "It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine."

Ryan- "I don't think, I don't think you understand how jeopardy works."

#Michael Scott- "Ok everyone, I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower. Where forks are irrelevant. And where every man, woman, and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes."

Angela- "You never told us to close our eyes."

#Angela- "You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only."

Michael Scott- "No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. That is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys' night out. A 'G-N-O' if you will. A 'gno.' Actually it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not ... it's uh, not gay. It's, uh, just, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."

#Michael Scott: This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

Stanley: Where did you get these facts?

Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?

Stanley: They are not.

#Gabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?

Michael Scott: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?

#Pam Beesly: "Are you serious?"

Michael Scott: "Yes. And don't call me Shirley."

#Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Oscar: Where?

Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.

Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?

#Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

Michael Scott: ...Hey Darryl! How's it hanging? [laughing]

The best of Michael Scott's catchphrase 'That's what she said'

(Michael decides to play office mediator to help resolve issues among his employees.)

Michael: "All right, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?"

Angela: "You already did me."

Michael: "That's what she said."

(Michael comes under fire from boss Jan Levinson and the corporate office for his sexist and offensive behavior. Things get even better after he announces his "retirement from comedy.")

Michael: "And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer, ever do any of those things."

Jim: "Does that include 'That's What She Said?'

Michael: "Mmhmm. Yes."

Jim: "Wow. That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so..."

Michael: "That's what she said!"

(Michael's famous quote comes during a meeting where he instructs Jim how to deal with his client, Dunmore High School, which sent out prom invitations on the company's faulty paper.)

Michael: "This is a keystone account. I want you in the school, in person. I want you to bring a partner."

Ryan Howard: "I'll go."

Michael: "No, sweet cheeks. We need somebody who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go."

Andy: "Well, young doe little at your service. A.K.A, will do."

Jim: "Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone."

Michael: "No, no! I need two men on this! That's what she said! No time! But she did! No time!"

(Michael and Dwight attend a cocktail party held by the CFO of Dunder-Mifflin. Jan, involved with Michael, also attends.)

Dwight- "Thanks for inviting me along."

Michael- "Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going?"
[Michael's phone rings. He answers]
Michael- "Hello, you!"

Jan- "Michael?"

Michael- "Hey, buttercup. I am on my way, should be there in about 15..."

Jan- "Let's just blow this party off."

Michael- "That's what she said."

(Michael holds an auction after the office is robbed to recoup the value of the stolen items. )

Michael: "Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400? 450 dollars? Sold for 300 dollars to me!"

[Slams gavel, which squeaks]. "What the hell is that?"

Phyllis: "It's the only gavel I could find."

Michael: "It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said."

(Michael is being questioned on his relationship with Jan, due to a lawsuit she is filing against the company)

Jan's lawyer- "How long have you known Ms. Levinson?"

Michael Scott- "Six years and two months."

Jan's lawyer- "And you were directly under her the entire time?"

Michael Scott- "That's what she said."

Jan's lawyer- "Excuse me?"

Michael Scott- [slowly] "That's what she said."

Ryan: "I brought that box of staples from the warehouse."

Jim: "Just stick'em in the back if there's room."

Michael: "That's what she said!"

Toby: "Pam, what happened with Roy?"

Pam: "I don't know...I guess I didn't love him anymore"

Michael: "Wahhhooooo That's what Toby's ex wife said"

As I mentioned before, Michael Scott desperately wants to be a movie star, and wrote his own movie 'Threat level midnight' involving all of his co-workers. The movie is about a retired spy called Michael Scarn (played by Michael Scott obviously) mourning the loss of his wife. As you can imagine, It is hilarious. You can watch a short clip of it now, The full movie will be out on Febuary the 18th, link is below :)

http://www.threatlevelmidnight.com/main.shtml

Enjoy!